


stargazing

by ascii



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Abelism, BPD Rewind, Implied/Referenced Suicide, PTSD Chromedome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-25 20:21:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7546429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascii/pseuds/ascii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"the worse the death, the more painful the memories" --first thing you ever said to me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1 day

**Author's Note:**

> ill probably post edited versions over time cuz hoo boy is this rushed  
> but whatever a cd/rw relationship build fic has been on my mind since i first read their arcs so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he stood up and followed after him, completely unsure of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is obviously super rushed,, i might update with revisions  
> the whole thing is done but ill be adding the a new chapter every day for the next 10 days just to make you all wait lol  
> i hc rw with bpd and cd with ptsd so if either of those are triggering to you read at yr own risk  
> there's a m*dget slur at one point  
> if you can spot all the mtmte quotes ill give you a nickel

"The worse the death, the more painful the memories." Chromedome said.

The minibot turned to look at him, shrugged, and kept searching. Chromedome was slightly embarrassed, but he followed slowly.

"You're not going to like what you find." He said. The bot didn't react.

He grabbed him by the shoulder. "Stop." He said. "Stop."

The minibot spun around. "Can I help you?" He said, matter-of-factly.

"I. I don't know." Chromedome said. “I just—I think you deserve better than this. I think _anyone_ deserves better than this.” _Anyone but me._

The minibot didn't budge. "Please don't try to stop me." Turned back to the corpses. "Just let me do this, ok?”

Chromedome stared at the floor, and the energon caked into its cracks. "How much did he mean to you?" He said.

The mini-bot froze. “W-What?”

“Whoever you're looking for. How much did he mean to you?”

The other bot paused. “ _Everything._ " He whispered.

Chromedome let go of him. "You're making a mistake."

The minibot looked oddly cute then, _excited_ , before he went back to searching, even more frantically this time. Chromedome tried not to think about what would happen if he found his lover, the screams of hate and terror that would follow.

The minibot really did _love_ him, though—he was enraptured, so dedicated and _sure_ of what and who he wanted. He was not afraid of what he'd find, but rather, of what he couldn't. Chromedome thought love was an awful, awful thing.

He didn't want to leave the minibot to his own devices, but he hated being in that room, all too similar to the New Institute. The corpses looked as though they would sit up at any second— _empty_ victims of shadowplay, hollow like wood, and about as life-like as it too.

“Ok, that's enough.” He said, glancing over at the mini-bot. He was ignored.

Chromedome heard footsteps coming down the hall at the other end of the room. “You need to hide _now_.” He said.

“Just another—”

The steps came closer. Chromedome decided to do something _noble_ for once in his miserable life.

He ran across the room and grabbed the minibot by the shoulders. The bot protested, of course, but Chromedome shoved him under the nearest slab anyways. Chromedome barely had time to hide himself behind the back of the door.

The door opened. “Hello?” The bot said. “Arcana? You in here?” There was a pause, and the door shut.

The minibot crawled out from under the slab. “Is he gone?”

“Yeah.” Chromedome said. “You're lucky to be alive. We _both_ are.” He peeked out of the door and started to sneak back to the waiting room.

The minibot trailed after him, and grabbed his leg. “Hey, wait.” He said. “Thanks.”

“If you knew me better, you wouldn't be saying that.”

“What? Why? You kinda sorta just _saved my life_.”

Chromedome winced. “Don't ask.”

“Ok. But still. Thanks. I was being stupid and you saved me.”

Chromedome turned a corner quietly and carefully. “...You should go. Please.”

The minibot whispered, “ _he_ wouldn't leave you.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Sorry. I'm Rewind.” He extended a hand.

Chromedome took it reluctantly. “Chromedome.” He said.

Rewind shook his hand and let go. “Anything I can do to pay you back?”

“Take care of yourself. Don't come back here.”

“You must be fun at parties.”

Chromedome stopped to stare at him. “...What are you trying to do?”

“What...?”

“Anyone else would have been gone by now.”

“I'm just trying to help you.”

Chromedome looked at the floor. _Self-sabotage is a form of self-harm in which the victim sabotages their own opportunities and relationships._ “I'm a _mnemosurgeon_.” He said. “I've—I've preformed shadowplay. Countless times.”

Rewind froze. Chromedome kept walking. “Yeah. That's what I _thought_. So just go _home_ so you can—” He turned around, and found himself face to face with Arcana.

“You're both coming with me.”

Chromedome didn't move. He wasn't against punishment—it wasn't like he deserved any better. Rewind stepped in front of him. “Hey. He was just trying to help me. I'll go with you, just let him walk, ok?”

Arcana shook his head. “Rules are rules. Hope both of you like it on Garrus-1...Or was it Garrus-9?” He shrugged. “Don't know. Don't care.”

Chromedome felt a chill down his spine. Rewind didn't deserve that. He'd only been looking for someone he loved. "What are you going to do to him?” Chromedome said.

Arcana shrugged, leading them both by their arms. “Empura at worst. Shadowplay at best. He's a mini-bot, right? It'll probably be worse for him.”

Chromedome locked eyes with Rewind, and saw a look he'd seen a thousand times before, staring up at him from his operating table—unadulterated _fear_. He shoved his needles through Arcana's eyes, grabbed Rewind, and ran. An awful cry rang out behind him.

“What did you just _do?!_ ” Rewind said from under Chromedome's arm. “I mean, I appreciate it, but _mother of Primus!_ ”

Chromedome searched frantically for the nearest exit. “Shutupshutupshutup.” He took the emergency exit. He heard an alarm go off as he closed the back door behind himself. He started to run home, then realized that was _exactly_ where they'd look, and started off towards the slums.

Rewind pointed down an alleyway. “Uh. We can go rest in there, if you want.” He said. Chromedome ran behind a garbage dump and threw up a little under his faceplate. Then he remembered Rewind was still in his arms, and set him down.

“Thanks.” Rewind said. “I mean, _carrying_ me was a little much, but otherwise, you were perfect—”

“Shut _up._ ” Chromedome said, shaking. “Everything is _ruined_.”

Rewind glared at him. “What? What exactly did I ' _ruin_ '? It's not like you had anything better to do!”

“I didn't say that.”

“It's _obvious._ You were staring at the bodies like you'd seen a ghost.”

Chromedome held his head. “I'm a criminal now.” He said. “I can never go home again.”

Rewind sighed and sat down next to him. “Did you have much of a home to begin with?”

Chromedome nodded. “Once. Before the Institute. I had _friends_. I had a job I was _proud of_.”

Rewind stared at the ground. “I can wipe the security if you want. It'd be hard, but we can make it so you were never there—”

Chromedome thought of walking through the Institute doors again, of watching face after face disappear under his fingers. He shook his head. “No. No. I don't want to go back.”

Rewind stared forwards. “What're you going to do?”

“I don't know.”

Rewind rubbed his eyes. “Ok, so let's say this is completely _my fault_ , and I'm going to regret it _forever_ if I don't help you.” He turned to face Chromedome. “I'll make you a _deal_.”

Chromedome looked down at him. He was looking oddly cute again. “I'm looking for someone—someone _important_ , like you said. I've got no idea where he is, and there's a lot of universe to cover, so I could use all the help I could get.” Rewind said. “You can tag along if you want. I know it's not the New Institute, but I guess it's better than nothing.” He extended a hand. “That sound ok?”

Chromedome sighed and shook his hand, and almost laughed at how tiny it was in his own. “It sounds ok.” He said, standing up and following after Rewind, completely unsure of himself.

 


	2. 1 month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “that's wonderful.” he said—though he did not think that love was wonderful, and he pitied him for being stuck with it.

Chromedome awoke to Rewind wagging an empty energon cube in front of him. “Wakey wakey!” He said. “Look what I found!”

Chromedome sat up and rubbed his head. “More trash?”

Rewind picked at the inside of the cube. “No, look! There's still some energon on the sides. If we lick all these clean—” He gestured to a stack of cubes behind him, “—we could last another day, maybe _two_.”

Chromedome shook his head. “Rewind, I'm not eating garbage.” He looked around himself, at the filthy streets and tiny rations that had become his life over the course of the last few weeks. “This is no way to live. We move too much. We need _shanix_ —an income of _some_ kind. This isn't working.”

Rewind looked discouraged. “Don't be like that. We're _fine._ So long as we've got energon we're—”

Chromedome threw his head back in defeat. “We _don't_ have energon. We don't have _anything._ ” He rubbed his optics. “I'm not used to this like you are. I used to have a _bed_ , I used to have _money_...”

“...Do you want to go back to the New Institute?” Rewind said.

Chromedome winced, and shook his head. “No— _Never,_ I don't—I _can't_ ever go back—”

Rewind cut him off. “I know. I'm sorry I brought it up.”

“I can't ever do that again.”

“I know.”

“But we need shanix.”

“I know...”

“...What are we going to do?”

Rewind sat down next to him. “I don't know. I don't want to get a job—I don't want to stop searching for him. Every second I'm not feels like I'm just getting farther away...”

Chromedome rolled his eyes, despite not having pupils. (It was actually quite impressive.) “You said you had to search half the known _universe_. What difference does it make if you take a break?”

Rewind stared at the ground. “I don't know.” He grabbed at straws. “I just feel like I'm letting him _down_.”

Chromedome actually managed to look _happy_. “Didn't you say once that you'd tear the universe apart to find him?”

“Yeah.”

“Or that you'd keep searching so long as your spark was lit?”

“Yeah...”

Chromedome smiled, in a genuine way, with his eyes crinkling at the sides and sunshine reflecting off of them. Rewind noticed it was kind of beautiful. “I don't think letting _him_ down is something you should be worrying about.” Chromedome said. “He'll probably be proud of you.”

Rewind felt his face heat up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Rewind stood up. “Ok.” He said. “There's a few ways we can make some shanix: I could sneak into places, wait until it's after hours, and take what I can—you could make use of that mnemosurgery of yours and make people forget they saw us—”

Chromedome lifted a hand to stop him. “Slow down. You want to _steal_ stuff?”

“Duh.”

“ _No._ I can't have that on my conscience too.”

Rewind slumped his shoulders. “Come _on_ , Chromedome. Give me _something_.”

Chromedome looked away from him. “This was supposed to be about making _amends_. I can't hurt anyone.”

“Fine, fine. But if you want to make shanix _legally_ , I'm out of ideas.”

There was a beat of silence as Chromedome pondered his answer. “You're an archivist, right? Couldn't you sell information?”

“Sure, but that'd be hard with how much we move around. No one would know where to find me.”

“You could find them.”

“What, be a beggar?”

“More like a vendor. It'd give you more exposure—you could ask people about 'him'.”

Rewind nodded slowly. “I'd like that, actually. You could help too, with your mnemosurgery—” He spoke faster when he saw how Chromedome cringed. “I mean you could use it to _help_ people. People with lost memories. You said you wanted to make amends—”

“That...Might work.” Chromedome said. “But where we will we go?”

Rewind paused for only a moment, before perking up and saying, “Where every bot goes for connections.” He held his hands out as though he were gesturing to something grand. “ _Maccadam's._ ” He said.

Chromedome smiled again, in that pretty way he did, and Rewind tugged him by his arm, heading towards the old oil house. Chromedome laughed, excited to do something that didn't leave him with memories that weren't his.

 

 

“We should up our rates.” Rewind said. “I just got finished with a history lesson. The guy was _exhausting._ We should charge by the hour.”

“So _that's_ where you went.” Chromedome said, trying not to giggle. He looked down at the cardboard sign in front of him. “Maybe CDRW'S CHEAP MNEMOSURGERY + ARCHIVES doesn't give people a sense of professionalism.”

Rewind sat next to him, careful not to walk into any other Cybertronians shuffling down the busy street. “It's better than nothing.” He said, helping himself to a bottle of energon. “You were right—this is way better than than feeding off _scraps_.”

Chromedome nodded. “How much you got?”

“100 shanix—but if we start charging by the hour, it'll—” Rewind cut himself off. There was a tall mech to his right, disappearing around the corner. He sprinted off towards Dominus without a second thought.

Rewind rounded the corner and didn't see him—he scanned the crowd quickly, and calculated which direction he would have been most likely to travel in. He broke into another sprint, knocking into bots as he went, careful not to miss any faces as he went by. Most bots on this street were headed downtown, so Rewind followed suit.

He'd committed every detail of Dominus to memory. He would've known if it was Dominus by the tint of his knees, or the shape of his shadow. He was not so lucky.

Cybertron's sun fell deep into the sky, casting its light across sky-scrapers and seekers, dimming before it set—Rewind decided to go home. He registered that his body was tired, but he didn't care. He _had_ seen Dominus—no one else had the same inclination of their head, the same stature when they walked—and he'd lost him.

He dragged his feet behind him while he walked back to his alleyway. The buildings he walked by were empty and hollow. The sun was giving up on him and night drew inwards. He found his way back by way of street lights.

Chromedome was waiting for him. “Rewind?” He said. Rewind sat next to him and stared forwards.

“Where did you _go_? I followed after you, but you were too fast. Do you know how _long_ it's been?” Rewind had nothing to say, so he didn't.

Chromedome's eyes sunk in worry, and he hoped it was not noticeable in the dark. “What _happened_?”

“I was so _close_.” Rewind said. “He was right there. He was right there and I _missed_ him.”

“What?”

“He was right _there_ , Chromedome. Not even a block away from us.”

“Who, your conjux?”

“ _Who do you think_.” Rewind said. “Dom— _He_ was right in front of me, and I couldn't catch up to him. I blew it, and now I'll never see him again.”

Chromedome sighed. “ _That's_ where you went? To find 'Dom'? Rewind.” There was no answer. “ _Rewind_.”

Rewind looked up at him. “Are you _sure_ it was him?” Chromedome said. “There are a billion bots on this planet—”

“I'm _sure_.” Rewind said. “Don't doubt me.”

“Ok, ok.” Chromedome rested a hand on Rewind's shoulder. “We'll find him, ok? We'll keep looking, and we'll find him.”

Rewind sighed. “Do you know how _long_ I've been looking? What makes you so sure?”

Chromedome grabbed at straws. “B-Because I'll help you.” He said. “I'll help you, and we'll find him together.”

Rewind scoffed. “You don't _mean_ that.”

Chromedome rubbed the back of his neck. “I don't know. Maybe I don't. Does it matter?” There was no reply. “...If you want me to go, I'll go.” He said softly.

“No—No, I need—I _like_ having you around.” Rewind said, finally turning to look at Chromedome. “He just means so _much_ to me.”

Chromedome sat quietly for a moment, deciding if his question would be too forward. “What was his name?” He said.

Rewind looked to the stars, and spoke the words as though they were gospel. “ _Dominus Ambus._ ”

Chromedome froze. “ _The_ Dominus Ambus? The doctor—the guy who crusaded for the disposable class?”

“That's the one.”

There was a long beat of silence. “Do you...Um, do you still love him?”

“Yeah.”

Chromedome nodded. “That's wonderful.” He said—though he did not think that love was wonderful, pitied Rewind for being stuck with it.

Rewind leaned against the wall. “Yeah. It is.” His eyes dimmed. “Sorry for earlier. I'll...I'll see you tomorrow, Domey.” He said.

Chromedome felt a pulse in his spark when Rewind spoke that name. He reminded himself that love was an awful, awful thing. “See you, Rewind.” He said, falling into recharge, ready to forget anything he might have felt.

 

 


	3. 5 months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was patient, like lovers are.

Chromedome and Rewind opened the door to their first apartment completely _elated._ It'd been hard to find a place with low standards and no moonlighting as an autobot or decepticon base.

“Home sweet home.” Rewind said, falling onto his bed. “Did you see the look on our landlord's face? So _awkward_.”

Chromedome sat on his bed. “It's probably pretty uncommon for bots to have absolutely _nothing_ when they move in.”

Rewind rolled over. “Are you as tired as I am?”

“Double that.” Chromedome laid down. “Talk to you tomorrow, Rewind.”

“G'night, Domey.”

Chromedome drifted into sleep. He saw Cybertron's sky, blues and reds and greys going on in a million different directions. This faded, like all good things do.

He suddenly saw Dominus Ambus, wearing the soft smile Chromedome had seen in tabloids. He beckoned Chromedome closer, like a deity calling forth his blessed. The sun shone behind his head, as though the universe revolved around him. He reached a hand out towards Chromedome.

Chromedome grabbed it, awestruck, and he looked up to see a disgusted frown, out of place among Dominus's perfect features. _Dirt_ , he thought, _he looks like he's just touched dirt._

His hands moved without his intention, and the scene switched in an instant—Dominus was on an operating table, screaming under his hands. Chromedome had his needles deep inside his brain, and when he tried to remove them, it only made Dominus scream louder. He looked up, and saw Rewind crying at the other end of the operating table. _You did this,_ he said. _How could you do this?_

The room was suddenly huge, and full of shadowplay victims, all of them sitting up on their beds and yelling at him. Some of them were angry, some were scared, but they were all deafening, chanting, _dirt, dirt, dirt._ Rewind's voice rose above them, screaming, _Chromedome, Chromedome, Chromedome—_

“Chromedome.” Rewind said. “You were screaming in your sleep.”

Chromedome sat up, shivering. There were tiny dents in the sides of his bed where he'd clawed at it. Rewind was sitting next to him. “Chromedome?” He said. “What happened?”

Silence sat in the air, and they both let it lay as Chromedome returned to the land of the living. “Nothing.” He said.

Rewind chuckled softly. “Alright, alright, you don't want to talk about it. You could've just said so.”

“No. That's not it.” Chromedome focused on not shivering, on _not_ going back in time.

Rewind cocked his head. “Then what?” He said.

“I...If I told you, you'd hate me.”

“Try me.”

“I've done bad things, Rewind.”

“Same here, Domey. You're not the only one with things they're ashamed of.”

Chromedome shook his head. “No—I've _ruined_ people, Rewind. I've looked into their minds and torn them apart.”

Rewind stared at the floor. “I'm sorry.” He said.

Chromedome froze. “No, I—No, it's ok, I just, I just have a lot of guilt, and—sometimes, my dreams—”

“Do you get their memories?”

“ _Yes_.” Chromedome said. “But I get...I get other dreams too. Dreams where I'm back there.”

“The New Institute?”

Chromedome nodded. “I get these...These _flashbacks_ , I guess, where I'm back there, like it's pulling me back and there's nothing I can do about it.” He realized how honest he was being. “Sorry, it's late, and I—”

“No. It's fine.” Rewind interrupted him. “I should've realized _why_ you were at that relinquishment clinic.”

Chromedome rubbed his wrist. “I'm not like that anymore.” He said softly. “I mean, not lately. I think about it still, but I'm not planning on doing anything, I'm not, uh...I'm not going to hurt myself, I don't think.”

Rewind stepped off of his bed and crawled onto Chromedome's. “This might be awkward and stupid, but do you want me to stay with you tonight?” He said.

Chromedome managed to laugh a little. “No, I'm ok. I'm used to this.”

Rewind tried to look happy, but worry tinged his eyes. “I'm sorry, Chromedome.” He said. “If there's anything I can do...”

Chromedome stared at the floor. “I don't think you can. I don't know if _anyone_ can help with this.”

Rewind shivered. “So you're ok?”

“Yeah.” Chromedome said. “You're taking this pretty well, actually.”

“My conjux—I mean, _Dom_ used to get like this. I mean, not like _this_ , exactly, but he'd have these obsessive thoughts and stuff. He'd overthink things until it tore him up inside. I spent a long time thinking I could fix him.”

They locked eyes. “Did you?” Chromedome asked.

“No.” Rewind hopped off of Chromedome's bed. “There wasn't anything to be _fixed_.”

Chromedome felt oddly content with that statement, and laid back down on his bed. “My name wasn't always Chromedome, y'know.” He said.

“What? Why'd you change it?”

Chromedome shrugged. “I picked up 'Chromedome' at the New Institute. My legal name is probably still _Tumbler._ ”

“You want me to call you that...?”

Chromedome stared up at his ceiling— _their_ ceiling, and followed the cracks with his eyes. “No, it's ok. That name doesn't suit me anymore. I just thought—I don't know, I felt bad that I hadn't told you yet.”

Rewind laughed softly. “Not everything's a _competition_ , Domey. Anyone ever tell you you should _relax_?”

“Heh. Yeah.”

Rewind rolled over. “Get a good night's sleep for the both of us, ok?” Chromedome could hear a smile in his voice.

“Ok.” Chromedome said, and he did, he dreamed of the sky and a happy glint in Rewind's eyes.

 

 

The decepticon rally was more intense than Rewind had suspected—burning effigies of Optimus Prime was a bit much in his opinion. Everyone around him was chanting the speaker on, and Rewind kept an eye out for possible escape routes, should things get violent.

He kept an eye on the back door to the abandoned building. Whenever a new bot entered, there'd be a flicker of hope in him, despite how hard he tried to suppress it. Sometimes he'd see a shape similar to Dominus's, a set of familiar eyes, but then they'd step into the light, and his spark would sink.

“Megatron is on his way.” Someone said. “I told you he'd come. He'll be here in a few minutes—maybe a few _seconds_.”

Rewind stiffened. The back door was in his sights. He wove between the taller bots—most of them either drunk or over-excited—sprinting towards the exit. It was then that Megatron took the stage, and the crowd grew frantic.

“Fellow decepticons!” He said, in a huge, bellowing voice. “Tonight we lead our race into blah blah for the future of blah blah blah blah blah!” Rewind stopped listening the second his speech took its typical tyrannical turn. Decepticons believed in equality of the disposable class, but they did not show Rewind any respect despite it, and nearly crushed him on his way out. They acted without responsibility or conscience, so sure that their own ideas were the best ones. Any doubt Rewind had held in the autobot cause melted away.

Someone stepped on his foot. Someone _heavy_. It was shattered, and he screamed out in pain, but no one listened. He fell to his knees and tried to crawl his way out. He was only a couple of feet away from the stage that they'd been speaking from earlier—he could hide underneath it, and wait for the crowd to disperse. He carefully inched between the decepticons. One of them fell backwards, and he missed them by a hair. He pulled himself underneath the stage and held his foot, still aching with pain. He waited a few minutes before he decided that the crowd must've dispersed at least _slightly_. He stuck his head out just in time to see the back of someone's foot collide with his head.

He did not dream, and awoke to a roaring headache. His optics adjusted to the mid-day sun. He pulled himself up off of the ground and got his wits about him. The site was completely empty, asides from some crushed cans of energon, and imprints in the ground where huge footsteps had been. He tried to stand, and cried out as pain ran up his leg. He limped across the ground, falling a few more times than his concussion wanted him to.

It took him a couple hours and quite a few rest stops before he made his way back to his apartment. He had to ask a stranger to help him up the stairs, and took ten minutes to open his door, but he did it, and he fell into bed as soon as he did.

He dreamed of Dominus. They were together and _happy_ and everything was fine, everything was absolutely fine. Chromedome was waving at them in the distance. They all lived in a big apartment, with all the energon they could drink and a back patio where they could stare at the stars. Dominus loved him. His head hurt. Chromedome was yelling at him. He opened his eyes.

“Where have you _been_?!” Chromedome said. He sounded more concerned than angry. “I waited for you for hours when I woke up—I've been searching for you all day! I thought you'd died or—or gotten _killed—_ ”

Rewind rubbed his head. “Why do you _care_?”

Chromedome looked at him like he was stupid. “You're _important_ to me, you idiot!” Chromedome huffed and slumped onto his bed. “You _scared_ me.”

Rewind sat up. “I was looking for Dom.” He said.

Chromedome looked surprised. “At night? _Where?_ ”

“I...If I told you, you'd hate me.”

Chromedome paused. “Try me.”

Rewind looked away from him. “SomaybeIwenttoadecepticonrallybecauseI'mgettingdesperateandIhavenowayofknowingifdomisanautobotoradecepticon.”

Chromedome sighed. “ _Rewind_.”

Rewind sighed. “ _Chromedome_.”

“Please don't die.”

Rewind recoiled. “What? Chromedome. I'm not going anywhere.”

“You sure?”

“Domey. Domey, Look at me.”

He did.

“I'm not going to die, ok?” Rewind said. “I can't. I need to find him.”

Chromedome winced. “You make it sound like he's your only reason for living.”

“Not him. Just the promise of seeing him.”

“What? How's that any different?”

Rewind shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe it's not.” He noticed his foot. “I can't feel my foot, by the way. Just giving you a heads up.”

Chromedome's eyes widened when he noticed it. “Oh—Oh _Primus_ , Rewind! What did they _do_ to you?!”

“You should see the other guy.”

“I'm taking you to a doctor.”

“We can't afford it.”

“We can be late on rent.”

“We can be evicted.”

“We can find somewhere else.”

Rewind sighed. “Your constant selflessness is just _infuriating_ , you know that?”

Chromedome nodded, but his voice was dipped in light. “I've noticed. Can we go now?”

Rewind chuckled and threw his arms up. “Carry me away, then.”

Chromedome couldn't help but laugh as he carried Rewind down the stairs bridal-style, and all the way to Ratchet's walk-in clinic.

 

 

The autobot rally was completely different. It happened in the light of day, well-organized, with rows of seats rather than pits of freedom-fighters. Chromedome and Rewind took their seats towards the back, anxiously looking out over the crowd.

“Do you see him?” Chromedome said.

Rewind chuckled. “Oh, you'll _know_ when I see him.” He said. “Half of _Cybertron_ will know when I see him.”

Chromedome stared forwards. “You're sure about this?” He said. “Being an autobot, I mean?”

Rewind shrugged. “I'm not joining their _ranks_ , if that's what you mean—but I agree with them. They're better than Megatron's goons.”

“No, I know. I've been with the autobots from day one.”

“Then why so nervous?”

 _Because I want to join them._ “Dunno.”

The crowd suddenly fell silent. Optimus Prime took the stage, and he was greeted with the epitome of respect. It was Chromedome and Rewind's first time seeing him in person.

“Fellow autobots.” He said. “Thank you so much for gathering here. These impromptu meetings keep our people _safe_ , while maintaining a stream of communication between us. Today I will be addressing victims of shadowplay—very unfortunate and very _real_ former patients of the New Institute.”

 _Shadowplay._ Chromedome felt like he was falling. _Victims of shadowplay._

“Shadowplay was a heinous and disgusting act carried out by Zeta Prime before his fall. Victims had their minds rearranged in a disgusting act that...” Optimus kept speaking, but Chromedome could not make sense of the words, or perhaps he did not want to. It was all noise to him, blaring white guilt from every direction. He looked down at his hands, and saw the seam of his fingers where his needles were hidden. There was an overwhelming urge to claw them out. Everyone at the rally hated him—Optimus was staring, he _knew_ what Chromedome had done, he just _knew_. They were going to take him back to the New Institute, and they were going to force him to hurt people over and over and over and over—

Chromedome stood up and headed towards the exit, a little too quickly.

The sun hit him like a slap in the face. His body was heaving, his hands trembling—whenever he focused enough to make one sensation stop, another would take control, leaving him in a vicious cycle of overstimulation. He clutched a wall, and hoped that no one was staring at him.

 _Of course they're staring, though_. He thought. _They're staring because it was all my fault, it was me all along. No one forced my hand. I was too pathetic to say no. I was too pathetic to escape. I should have stopped, I could have stopped—_

“Chromedome.”

Chromedome looked up. He could not remember how to speak. Rewind was crouched next to him. “You ok?” Rewind said. “Wait. Nevermind. Dumb question. Anything I can do to help?”

Chromedome stared forwards. “I don't know. Y-You...You can keep talking. If you want.” He hoped that Rewind's voice would drown out his thoughts.

“Oh. Uh. Ok.” Rewind sat down next to him. “I saw someone who looked like Dom today. But uglier. It was kinda funny, because for a second I thought it _was_ Dom, and he'd just aged badly. But this guy, he had a really weird nose. Like an upside-down thumb. I didn't notice him at first, which is kinda scary because he looked _just_ like Dom. I might be getting less... _Sensitive_? I might be getting less _sensitive_ to his image. I've still got him down to a T, for sure, I don't think I'll ever forget _completely_ —but what if he walks by me and I'm just...Distracted? It's scary.” Rewind caught himself. “Sorry. I totally just made this about _me_ , didn't I?”

Chromedome had closed his eyes and focused on the sound of Rewind's voice, the rise and fall of octaves and the street bustling behind him. “It's ok.” He said. “It's fine. I just needed something to listen to.”

“Do you want me to keep talking?”

“Can you?”

“Anything for you, buddy.” Rewind spoke until Chromedome felt comfortable enough to reply, and he was patient, like lovers are.

 

 


	4. 3 years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love was an awful, awful thing, just like the glint in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> m*dget slur this chapter// hate crime insinuation too  
> i really like the disposable class metaphor for abelism/rascim/etc so. that comes to light here

Chromedome and Rewind sat on their beds, facing each other. Chromedome was rubbing his neck and Rewind was playing with his fingers idly.

“Just say it, Domey.”

“Ok. _Ok._ I'm going to say it.” Chromedome said. He didn't say anything afterwards.

“ _Domey._ ”

“I just want to think of a good way to phrase it.”

“Domey. On the count of three.”

“No, I—”

“ _One, two—_ ”

“I-I want to go with Optimus.”

There was a pause. “...What? _Optimus_? As in Optimus _Prime_?”

Chromedome stared at his feet. “His army's leaving in two days. They're going to fight Megatron in Helex. I want to go with them.”

Rewind raised a hand. “Stop. Chromedome—Where is this coming from? You don't have the _slightest_ bit of combat experience. What makes you so sure they'll take you?”

Chromedome fidgeted. “I used to work in law enforcement.”

“What? Really? When?”

“When I was Tumbler. Before the war.”

Rewind put a hand to his head. “Ok, but still, how do you _know—_ ”

“I've asked Optimus about it. He says they could use a mnemosurgeon.”

Rewind's eyes widened. “You've talked to _Optimus Prime?_ Like, in _person?!_ ”

“He's not _that_ secretive, you know. That's one reason I like him better than Megatron. He _talks_ to us.”

“ _Us?!_ ”

Chromedome touched his chest. “I'm an autobot, Rewind. I thought you knew this.”

“Well, yeah, of _course—_ but I didn't think you were on _active duty._ ”

“You're freaking out about this. I knew you'd freak out this.”

“This is—” Rewind stared around the room, shaking his head. “You're going to _regret_ this, Chromedome. You're going to get yourself killed.”

“Maybe.” Chromedome said, then quieter, “Not that it matters.”

Rewind didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything. There were a few very long seconds of silence before Chromedome spoke up. “...So?” He said.

Rewind stared at him. “So what?”

“...Will you come with me?”

Rewind sighed. “We aren't doing this. _You_ aren't doing this.”

“What? Why?!”

“Because it's _ridiculous,_ and—”

“It's _not_. I can take care of myself.”

“It's not _you_ I'm worried about!”

“What then?! What's keeping you?!”

“...Nevermind.” Rewind slumped into his bed.

“What? What do you mean _nevermind_?”

Rewind glared at him. “I mean _Dominus._ If I go, I'll be a thousand miles away from him.”

Chromedome looked like he'd been punched in the gut. “You just don't know when to _give up_ , do you.” He said.

“What?” Rewind said.

Chromedome stared at a wall. “He's not coming _back._ You can't—”

He was cut off by Rewind's footsteps and the slam of their front door.

 

 

Chromedome had memorized all the cracks in his ceiling. There was one shaped like an outstretched hand in one corner, one shaped like a pair of wings in the other, and a star in the center. They branched out towards each other, but couldn't seem to close the gap.

Rewind had been gone for five hours exactly. It was getting late, but Chromedome couldn't bring himself to recharge. It would've felt like he was letting his guard down. If Rewind came home when he was asleep, it would look _wrong_. Like he didn't _care_.

Chromedome cared very much, more than he wanted to. In the New Institute, no one had cared _—stop it, don't go back there, you're not there anymore._ He checked for any cracks he might have missed.

His neighbors were yelling at each other. (Muffled cries of pain from shadowplay victims, quickly cut short by deafening silence.) He hated himself, and his tortuous life, and all the things he hadn't asked for but could not bring himself to forget. (The bodies, the lost lives and empty minds stuck on your fingertips.)

It occurred to him that Rewind had never asked to be a part of that. Chromedome asked himself whether or not he'd be willing to join Optimus's army without him.

“Yes. No.” He said to himself. “Maybe. I don't know. I'll miss him.”

He looked at the crack in the center of his ceiling. Now it looked like an autobot insignia. “I'll miss him.” He said.

 

 

Rewind sat at a table in the corner of Maccadam's old oil house, drinking anything he could afford. He watched a pair of conjux walk by.

_You need to let him go._ It had been hanging in the air long before Chromedome had said it, it'd been following him around throughout his search. It wasn't about Dominus anymore—well, it _was_ , of course it was—but it wasn't _just_ him, it was the idea of seeing him, it was a vow. Rewind couldn't bring himself to let that go. He wished he could, but he couldn't.

It was wired into him, like archives and attention—picking favorite people, listing them, and picking _someone_ to be his favorite, his absolute _favorite_ person in the world. Being unable to let them go. Searching the whole universe if that's what it took.

Two bots approached him. “Hey, _midget_.” One said. “Can you make some room?”

Rewind looked up at them. They were both three times taller than him. “For what?” He said.

The second one laughed. The first one spoke again. “For _us_ , duh.”

“What? Why should I?

The first one chuckled. “Isn't it obvious? You're _tiny._ ”

“So?”

“So you aren't—you don't—” He was trying to find a nice way to say _you're worth less than us._

Rewind sat firm. “I'm not going anywhere.”

One of them grabbed Rewind by his head and tossed him into another table. It was so _easy_ for them, so infuriatingly _simple_ for them to treat him like vermin.

He huffed. _Dom wouldn't start a fight._ He thought. _Dom wouldn't._

It took him ten minutes to stop his furious shaking long enough to leave the bar. He could hear the bots clinking their glasses as he left. He stopped at a bench to calm himself down.

Chromedome crossed the street opposite to him—only it wasn't Chromedome, and as soon as Rewind realized his mistake, he went rigid. He'd seen bots that looked like Dominus a million times before, but never anyone who looked like Chromedome. Suddenly he saw them everywhere. His chest tightened as he realized that someone who was not Dominus was _important_ to him.

The bots who had beaten him left the bar laughing. Rewind felt homesick.

 

 

Rewind came home at around three in the morning. Chromedome was still awake, waiting for him.

“H-Hi.” Chromedome said.

“Hi...” Rewind said. He walked towards his bed slowly.

Rewind sat on the edge of it, letting his feet dangle off the end. “I'm sorry.” He said. “I shouldn't have told you what to do. I can be... _Bossy_. It's a downfall of mine. Dom always wanted me to try therapy, but I never did. I'm clingy and annoying and I don't know how to act. This—” He tapped his camera. “This is what I go off of. All this data helps me know how everyone _else_ acts, and how to act _like_ them.”

Chromedome didn't know what to say. “...That's awful.” He said.

Rewind sighed. “Yeah. It results in me being kind of _unbearable_ sometimes...And losing people I _care_ about.”

Chromedome's eyes widened at the assumption that Rewind _cared_ about him. (Anyone else would've drawn that conclusion _naturally_ , but Chromedome found it hard to believe that _anyone_ could care about him.)

“So...You're sorry for trying to control me?” Chromedome said.

“Yeah. Did I forget to say that?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Well. Yeah. That's what I meant. Your life is your life, and all that.”

Another pause. Rewind said, “So? What were you going to say...?”

Chromedome fidgeted. “I don't know. The autobots are...They're just _important_ to me, because I feel like they're doing something _good_ , and being _good_ is all I've wanted for a long time.” He waited for Rewind to say something. Nothing came, so he filled the air himself. “Sometimes I feel like I deserved what happened. Like I did it to myself.” He closed his eyes. “ _I_ was the one who got interested in mnemosurgery, like an _idiot_ , and—”

“Hey.” Rewind interrupted him. “Don't go there.”

Chromedome sighed.“I'm going to miss you.” He said. “I'm going to miss you a _lot_ , but this is something I _have_ to do and—”

Rewind held his hands up. “Wait, what? Are you saying I can't go with you?”

Chromedome froze. “I assumed you didn't want—”

“Domey. Of _course_ I'm going with you.”

Chromedome blinked. “But you were mad—”

“I was mad that you wanted to go, because that would mean _I_ would have to go.”

“You know you don't have to...”

Rewind held up another hand to stop him. “I know. It's not that simple.” He said. “I don't think I'd know what to do without you, Domey.” His honesty permeated the air. Chromedome's spark pulsed, and he quenched it with self-hate.

“So we're joining the autobots. Together.” He said.

Rewind nodded.

“And we're leaving tomorrow.”

Rewind kept nodding.

“And you really don't know what you'd do without me?” There was a grin in Chromedome's voice.

Rewind huffed. “ _Maybe._ ” He said. “Don't pat yourself on the back.”

Chromedome laughed. “That's _adorable_.” He said.

Rewind pointed at him. “No, _you're_ adorable—Wait, no, I— _Shut up_.” He said, trying not to laugh.

They couldn't sleep that night, too busy sharing jokes and plans for their new life. Chromedome promised Rewind he'd have plenty of chances to look for Dominus, and Rewind promised Chromedome he deserved happiness. Chromedome kept reminding himself that love was an awful, awful thing, just like the glint in Rewind's eyes.


	5. 3 years, 1 day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> his eyes gleamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suicide mention + ptsd this chapter

Chromedome and Rewind stood in line, waiting to board Optimus's ship, with everything they owned to their name—two gallons of low-grade energon.

Chromedome was over-excited. “You might have to work to earn your keep, but it's so _nice_ of them to let you on, isn't it?”

Rewind shrugged. “It's not like they've got high standards.”

“Yeah, but you're an _autobot_ now, you're going to be a soldier like me and we're going to make Cybertron _better—_ ”

“Slow down.” Rewind said. “Let's save the _battle speeches_ for the _battles_ , ok?”

Chromedome stopped himself. “Yeah. You're right. Ok. No big deal. No big deal.”

“I dunno what you're excited about. This is gonna _suck_.”

Someone got in line behind them, and almost stepped on Rewind's heel.

Rewind huffed. “See what I mean? _Suck_.”

Chromedome couldn't be fazed. “Sure, but it's going to 'suck' for the good of Cybertron.” He said.

The bot behind them spoke up. “Uh, is he supposed to be here?” He said to Chromedome, gesturing at Rewind.

“ _He_ can hear you.” Rewind said. “And why wouldn't I be?”

The blue bot stared down at Rewind. “You're an archivist, right? Disposable class. Why would you want to be an autobot?”

“He's looking for—”

“I want to make Cybertron a better place, same as you.” Rewind said. The blue bot shrugged, and turned away from them.

“Did you mean that?” Chromedome whispered.

Rewind stared at the ground. He shuffled forwards a few steps as they moved up in line. “No, but I didn't want him to treat me like... _Less_.” He looked up at Chromedome. “And I don't want to tell anyone about Dom.”

“Why not?”

“I just...I _don't_ , Domey.” He said. “ _Please_ tell me you won't either.”

“Of course not.” Chromedome laid a hand on his shoulder. “I won't ever—”

There were screams a few hundred meters away. “ _Decepticons!_ ” Someone cried. “ _Decepticons from the east!_ ”

Chromedome immediately stood in front of Rewind, as though it were second nature. Optimus Prime's voice boomed behind him. “ _Fall in line!_ ” He said. “ _Those with most experience at the front, those without at the back!_ ”

Chromedome reasoned that he belonged at the back, and let the others rush in front of him. He was unarmed, and it sent a chill down his spine. He kicked his energon away, towards the ship, in hopes that Decepticons wouldn't reach it. He remembered what he could about unarmed combat. _Strike weak spots, focus on dodging._

“Rewind—” He turned to face him, and saw nothing. Soldiers ran past. Rewind was not there.

Someone fell on him. He had a Decepticon insignia on his chest, and he looked just as frightened as Chromedome did. Chromedome pushed him off easily. Megatron's soldiers were completely untrained—he must've had lower standards than Optimus. Chromedome swatted them away, knocking them over at their knees. It was over quickly.

“ _They're retreating!_ ” Optimus called. “ _The decepticons are retreating!_ ”

Chromedome looked for his friend. “Rewind?!” He called out. “Rewind?! Where are you?” He shoved his way past ailing soldiers. “ _Rewind?!_ ”

“Domey.” The voice was quiet. “Over here.”

Rewind was sitting on the sidelines, doubled over. He didn't have any cracks or cuts, but he was obviously sore. Chromedome rushed to his side.

“Who did this?!”

“An autobot.” Rewind said. “Some big red guy. Wasn't paying attention to his left. Accidentally kicked me into a wall.”

Chromedome glared at the crowd behind them. “Which one? I'll go talk to him. They can't—”

Rewind chuckled. “You sound like Dom.” He said.

“ _Rewind._ Who did this?”

Rewind stared at the ground. “There's nothing you can do about it. It was the heat of battle. It was my fault.”

“ _No._ You got swept away. _They_ should have been more careful.”

“Domey.” Rewind held his gaze. “I ran into battle.”

Chromedome recoiled. “What? What do you mean?”

Rewind slouched. “I thought Dom might be there, and I ran.”

Chromedome froze. “You idiot.” He said. “You _idiot_.”

Rewind sighed. “I need to—”

“Are you going to do this every time?” Chromedome said. “Is this why you came along? So you could _risk your life_ to search for him?”

“You're doing it again.” Rewind said.

_You need to let him go._

Chromedome stopped himself. “Sorry.” He said. “I—We shouldn't talk about it right now.” He outstretched a hand towards Rewind. “Let's get you to the med bay.”

They didn't say anything on their way there. They sat in line, listening to groans of pain coming from inside.

“You understand I can't change it, right?” Rewind said suddenly. “I can't change how I feel about him. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can't.”

Chromedome nodded. “Yeah.” He paused, careful to phrase his feelings correctly. “I'll stop telling you what to do.” Then quietly, “Not that you ever listen to me, anyways.”

Rewind chuckled. “Yeah, I don't really listen to _anyone_.” He said. He looked up at Chromedome. “But neither do _you_ , and that's probably why we _work_ together.”

Chromedome managed to look happy. “We do, don't we?”

“Yeah. You and me buddy.” Rewind rested his head against Chromedome. “You and me against the world.”

They both liked the sound of that, and the air was filled with their own quiet chatter as they waited.

 

 

They went into each fight more prepared than they'd been before. Rewind got better at staying on the sidelines, Chromedome found his place picking off the easy fights. They shared a bunk on their ship, because they were at limited capacity, and anyone who could fit into smaller spaces would have to. (Rewind had been furious, but Chromedome was getting better at calming him down.)

They fought for Cybertron, never straying too far from each other's sides. Rewind had a habit of staring out of windows on the off chance that Dominus might be flying by. Chromedome would keep their neighbors up with his nightmares. They learned how to comfort each other, with trial and error.

Optimus left a month into their journey. Ironhide was in charge after that, and by chance, was the exact same bot who'd accidentally kicked Rewind in their first battle.

They were en route back to Iacon a few months later, on an apparent emergency call from Optimus. Rewind was lying in their bed and staring at the bunk above them.

“This is humiliating.” He said.

Chromedome looked up from his book. “What is?”

“Sharing a _bed_ with you. Like, what, I can't have any _privacy_ because I'm little?”

Chromedome sighed. “Can we _not_ argue about this again?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Rewind turned over to face Chromedome. “I'm just _bored_ , I guess. Not much to do around here.”

Chromedome went back to his book. “You could introduce yourself to the crew.”

“Done that already. Twice.”

“Windows?”

Rewind looked at the floor. “Yeah, about that—”

 _“All crew report to the main deck.”_ Ironhide's voice said, muffled over the ship's P.A.

“You were saying?” Chromedome asked.

Rewind hopped off of their bunk. “It can wait. Let's see what Ironhide has to say. Better than nothing, right?” Chromedome followed after him.

They fell in line with their fellow autobots, squeezing together, careful not to lose each other. By the time they reached the main hall, they were crushed against the wall of the room, with Rewind clutching Chromedome's leg for support.

“You want me to lift you up?” Chromedome said playfully.

“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.” Rewind said. He paused. “Wait, can I sit on your shoulder?”

Chromedome giggled. “Sure.” He said, lifting Rewind up and resting him on his right shoulder. “You ok up there?”

Rewind leaned against Chromedome's head. “Easy breezy. And congratulations—you've found something even _more_ embarrassing than sharing a bunk.”

“You're the one who asked for it!”

“Yeah, yeah. Maybe we can get me stilts—”

 _“Attention, crew.”_ Ironhide said. “I have grave news from Optimus.”

“Our planet's war has stripped Cybertron of its natural resources. Energon has never been harder to come by. Anyone who hasn't up and left has picked a side. We are a race at _war_ , plain and simple.

“I...I'm sorry to tell you all that there's nothing left to fight for. We...We've _lost_. Cybertron is dead.”

There was a moment of silence as everyone checked that they had heard him correctly, then yelling. “Optimus Prime contacted me himself.” Ironhide said. “There's nothing I can do. There's nothing _any_ of us can do. Our home is _uninhabitable_.”

Chromedome set Rewind down. He looked like he'd been hit across the face. “I'm leaving.” He said.

“What? Where?” Rewind said, screaming over the crowd.

“I—I have to go.” Chromedome said. He left suddenly, with Rewind calling after him.

He found a closet—cleaning supplies, miscellaneous stuff—and shut himself inside. Then he let himself break.

 _It's my fault._ He thought. _It's completely my fault. None of this would have happened if it weren't for the New Institute. If it weren't for me. They're going to come for me, they're coming for me right now, they're probably searching the ship. They're going to send me back there, they're going to make me their prisoner again._ _I'm going to get hurt all over again. I should finish the job. I should d_ _—_

“Chromedome?” Rewind said, muffled behind the door. He cracked it open. “ _Chromedome?_ ” He said.

Chromedome inched away from him. “Please don't.” He said. “Please just _don't_.”

Rewind shut the door. “Why did you do that?! You left me. I need you—” Rewind caught himself. “I. Uh. I...”

 _Liar_. Chromedome thought. _He hates me. He wants me to go back, he's going to send me back—_

“Domey? Stay with me.” Rewind said. Chromedome looked up at him. His face softened. “You always listen to me when I call you _Domey_ , you know that?” He slumped against the closet door. “I guess _Chromedome_ is too bland.”

“They're coming for me.” Chromedome said.

“What?” Rewind said. “Who? The _Institute_?”

Chromedome nodded.

Rewind sighed. “No they're not, and I don't have the energy to explain how completely _wrong_ you are.” He rubbed his eyes. “Our _planet_ is dead. How does an entire _planet_ just up and _die?_ ”

Chromedome was rocking back and forth. He tried to focus on Rewind's voice, but it grew distant. _I shouldn't be here_ _I should be gone_ _why didn't I just—_

“Think of all the places we can never go again.” Rewind said. “Kaon. Helex. Vos—I never got to see Vos. Everyone always said it was so pretty. And now it's gone.”

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm_

“Are you ok, Domey?”

Chromedome shook his head.

“Can I do anything to fix that?”

Chromedome shook his head again.

“Do you want me to go?”

Chromedome shook his head a third time.

“Is it ok if I talk?”

Chromedome nodded.

“Thanks. I mean, I would have anyways, but, you know. _Politeness_ and all that.” He paused. “Remember when you found me? Nevermind. Stupid question. Of course you do. Point is—you were trying to kill yourself, weren't you?”

Chromedome clutched his head as though he were crying.

“Ok, sorry. Maybe that was a bit much. I'll wait until you're better to talk about that. I'm not the best at being...Nice, I guess? Sensitive? Whatever. You already know that.” Rewind paused when he noticed how Chromedome was twitching. “Sorry. I had a point. I'll get there quicker.” He rubbed his neck. “I already knew you wanted to—I already knew _that_ about you. I'm not _dumb._ ”

He paused. “I guess it never really _sunk in_ for me, though. The other day I...I realized that if you'd _succeeded_ , I never would have met you, and...Well. I'd still be dumpster-diving, probably.”

Chromedome looked up at him. He took that as a small victory. “Point is, I'd be sad if you were dead. Obviously. Did you realize that?” He laughed softly. “I remember the first time I told Dom that. He seemed surprised. You remind me of him, sometimes. Sometimes... _not_. I guess no one can _really_ be like him, but I don't know if I _want_ anyone to.”

Chromedome had removed his head from his hands.

“Did I do that?” Rewind said. “Help you, I mean?”

Chromedome shrugged. “ _I'm_ the only person who can control it, but you're... _Helpful._ ”

Rewind nodded. “Did you know that I think you're great?”

Chromedome's eyes lit up. “Sort of. I needed to hear it.”

They sat facing each other in the dark. “We could leave.” Rewind said. “We could leave right now. We could just leave and no one could stop us.”

Chromedome looked puzzled. “Leave? You mean leave the _ship?_ ”

Rewind nodded. “We can grab some spare energon for the trip, take an emergency shuttle and go.”

“Those shuttles are only made to hold one bot.”

“One _big_ bot. Or, in our case, a lanky bot and a mini-bot.”

Chromedome looked down at himself. “I'm _lanky_?”

“Domey.”

Chromedome shifted awkwardly. “We can't just leave the others.”

Rewind shrugged. “Why not?”

“We _owe_ them. They've done so much for us—”

“They didn't stop our planet from dying.”

Chromedome winced.

Rewind sighed. “Sorry. But bear with me. We could go wherever we want!”

“This is about Dom, isn't it.”

“He's not on Cybertron. I know that now. We can look for him—”

“Stop. Just stop.” Chromedome turned away from him, and suddenly looked very sad. “You're never going to stop looking, are you?”

Rewind didn't know what to say.

Chromedome stared at the floor. “What were you saying earlier. About Dom.”

Rewind would've blushed if he could. “Yeah. I was going to tell you that I care about you. Someone on the ship—I think it was Beachcomber?”

“The guy who stepped on your foot on your first day?”

Rewind giggled. “Yeah. He told me he thinks it's funny I spend so much time with you when we argue so much.”

“Oh.”

“So I realized that _maybe_ I'm not the best at making people feel loved. Especially when I spend half my time looking for this other guy who you've never even _met_.”

“Oh...?”

Rewind tried to sound light-hearted. “Yeah. I get the feeling that you think me liking Dom means I like you less? Which is true, but not in the way that you'd think. Remember what I said about listing people?”

Chromedome nodded.

“Hear me out. Dom is up here, right?” He held his hand up over his head. “And I'm somewhere around here.” He placed his other hand about a foot underneath the first one.

“That's not healthy, Rewind. You shouldn't value someone else's life above your own.”

Rewind narrowed his eyes. “ _Domey._ Do I have to say it?”

Chromedome caught himself. “You can't help yourself. Right. Ok. Sorry. Continue.”

Rewind looked back at his hands. “Ok, so, I'm here, and Dom's here, right? You're somewhere in here.” He moved the hand that represented 'Rewind' up an inch. “I value your life slightly more than I value my own. Does that make sense?”

Chromedome tried not to look too happy. “Yeah.” He said.

Rewind put his hands down. “It's not always like that, I guess. Sometimes I hate you because you're _you_ and you go down on the list. Sometimes you're amazing and I...Yeah. So.”

“...Thanks for clearing that up, but what does this have to do with us leaving?”

Rewind looked at a broom in the corner. “When I came here with you, you were _way_ lower on the scale, but I still came with you, because I couldn't be without you.”

Chromedome tried _very_ hard not to look too happy. “R-Really?”

Rewind chuckled. “Yeah. I get attached to people pretty easily.” He said. “Point is, I _really_ want to go look for Dom, but I _really_ don't want to do it without you. And I _kinda_ just went on a magical autobot adventure with you, so you _owe_ me.”

Chromedome stopped trying not to look happy. He put a hand on Rewind's shoulder. “Can I hug you?” He said. “I feel like we should hug.”

Rewind's eyes gleamed and he wrapped his arms around Chromedome's neck. Their sparks were that much closer together, and the feeling vibrated through them, friendly and inviting.

They parted. “You want to pack the energon, or should I?” Chromedome said.

 

 


	6. 7 years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone is more important than me.

It took Rewind six hours to admit that _maybe_ stealing a cramped escape pod with limited fuel had not been the best idea. The two of them hadn't accounted for how much space their stolen energon cubes would take up, or for the fact that they had no idea where they were going. It sunk in that Cybertron was _gone_. They were somehow angry at their  _planet_ for dying, and angry each other for letting it happen.

“You are the _worst_.” Rewind said. “I'm so mad at you. I don't—I don't know what to do with myself.” He wasn't violent when he was angry—just rigid, and that was somehow worse.

“Whatever.” Chromedome said. “Look. There's a pl—wait, no. Uninhabitable.”

Rewind tried to stretch, sending his elbow into Chromedome's side. “Maybe if you _sped up_ , we'd get there faster.”

Chromedome huffed. “Maybe if you _shut up_ , we'd get there faster.”

Rewind tried to put as much distance as he could between him and Chromedome—which was only an inch, apparently. “You know that Rungian theory? The phases of loss?” He said.

“What?”

“The phases you go through when you lose someone. Or some _thing_ , I guess.” Rewind said. “Whatever. Point is that it _sucks_. When we were leaving I thought that since I _understood_ the phases they couldn't hurt me, but here we are, in phase two, completely _helpless_.”

Chromedome turned to look at him. Rewind was sulking and facing out the front of their pod, eyes furrowed and head in his hands. “What phase is that?” Chromedome said.

“ _Anger_.”

Chromedome felt his chest tighten, and a pang of guilt—but before it could take hold of him, he noticed a ship-friendly planet, and sped towards it.

 

 

They landed somewhere comfortable—not nearly as advanced as Cybertron, but with a few decades of solar travel under its belt. There were docking bays waiting for them when they arrived, but, of course, they didn't accept energon as payment. They ended up parking their tiny ship on the roof of an abandoned building.

It was reminiscent of their days on the streets of Cybetron: no work, no home, and no energon. Apparently Cybertronians had made a name for themselves as killers—certainly no one the planet's inhabitants wanted to do business with. People would cross the street when they saw them walk by, look away when their gaze met.

“Perfect.” Rewind said, leaning against their ship. “We're stranded, exhausted, and we're going to starve.”

Chromedome sighed. “It could be worse. We could be alone.”

“How are we _not_ alone?”

Chromedome stood up from where he'd been tinkering with the ship's engine. “I could be without you. Or you could be without me.”

Rewind didn't answer. He watched the sun set—it was tiny compared to Cybertron's own. This planet had white skies, reflected from all its mountain ranges, and in the evening it blended with their sun— _Solei_ , the natives called it—to make a stunning pink. It was reflected in Chromedome's eyes. It did not look nearly as beautiful.

“Remember sunsets on Cybertron?” Rewind said. “Our skies were kind of a bluish gray, but at night they'd turn purple.”

Chromedome trembled slightly. “I don't remember.” He said. “...I don't remember _anything_. All my last moments there were at the Institute.”

Rewind cocked his head. “You mean your last moments before _I_ showed up.”

Chromedome shrugged. “Sorry.” He said.

Rewind stared at Chromedome. His face was sunk in grief. Rewind turned around and looked for a place on the roof that was not covered in debris. He stood next to the flattest piece of cement he could find.

“Domey.” He said. “C'mere.”

Chromedome didn't move for a second, then stood up slowly, trudging towards Rewind. He didn't speak. Rewind projected footage of Cybertron's sunset onto the rubble.

It was indeed purple, but not exactly—it was softer, violet, like lilacs. Cybertron had no clouds, so the colors faded across the sky in a gradient, without anything obscuring them. Sky-scrapers were painted in the colors, their glow mixing with the hues like watercolors.

The video was, however, from Rewind's point of view, and so when Rewind turned to face Dominus, they both had to see it. The projection stopped.

“...You get the point.” Rewind said.

Chromedome shrugged. “Thanks anyways.”

“Do you feel any better?”

“...How much do you value honesty?”

“A lot.”

“Then no. But it's not something you can control.”

Rewind sighed. “Is it because of Dominus?”

Chromedome put a hand to his head. “No. It's—I just have very _low_ self-esteem, ok?”

“Did I say something?”

“What? Why do you think it's your fault?”

Rewind looked away from him. “Sorry. I guess I'm getting insecure now too.”

“No, I just—what would make you think it was your fault?”

“I'm kinda...Testy. And passive-aggressive.”

Chromedome nodded. Rewind laughed quietly. “I also tend to say more than I mean to.” He mumbled.

“No, I mean, I _get_ it, I'm having a pity party too. Losing your _entire planet_ is pretty rough news for anyone.” Chromedome said. “It's just...I'm thinking the bad thoughts again. Like. The _really_ bad thoughts. Not that they ever really _left_ , I've just been thinking about ways to _act_ on them again. It's...It's scary.”

Rewind stared at him, confused. “What? What do you mean?”

“...R-Remember where you found me?”

 _Discreet suffocation of the spark._ “No.” Rewind said. He grabbed Chromedome's arm. “Don't you _ever_ do that.” He said.

Chromedome shifted uncomfortably. “I can't exactly _control_ it...” He said. “I mean, I _sort of_ can, but the thoughts just _come_ , y'know...?”

Rewind took Chromedome's arm in his hands. “I don't know what I'd do without you.” He then paused, feeling flustered, and said, “Wow. Ok. _That_ was too honest.”

“What?”

“Uh...Nevermind. Please don't die.”

Chromedome tried to look happy. “I'll try.”

“Pretty please?”

Chromedome succeeded. “No promises.” He said.

Rewind shrugged. “If you die, can I have your energon?”

“Do you want it?”

“ _Yes_ , Domey, I want to drink energon from your cold dead husk.”

“I was just checking!”

“You are _so_ insecure. I should start a fee. Like a swear jar, but with self-hate.”

“Don't you _dare_.”

“Well now I have to.”

Chromedome and Rewind forgot to be sad after that, too caught up in Solei's reflection and stupid banter.

 

 

“I'm baaack!” Rewind said.

Chromedome jumped a little in surprise. “ _Finally_.” He said. “You want to _tell_ me next time you leave? You know I worry.”

Rewind shrugged. “Sorry. I'm a spur-of-the-moment kinda guy.” He waved some bizarre looking metal cylinders in the air. “But look! I got paid!”

Chromedome grabbed the currency from Rewind. It had markings written on one side in an alien language, and felt fairly light. “This is their version of shanix?” He asked.

“Yep. I couldn't find any energon, but they sell 'mech fuel' instead. It's a weird kind of low-grade. It's supposed to feed mechs of any species.”

“Then what are you waiting for? Let's go get some.”

Rewind tapped his fingers together nervously. “Um. Well. There's a _tiny_ issue with that.”

“What?”

“I'mallergictocrudeenergon.”

“You're what?”

“I'm kinda sorta _allergic_ to crude energon. I can't keep the stuff down. Giving it to me would be a waste.”

Chromedome sighed. “But you said this wasn't energon, right? It's just a substitute.”

“That's what I thought, but...Ok. Listen. I _might_ have gone on a spending binge before I came here.”

“You _what_...?”

“I Bought myself a gallon of the stuff, and downed it all at once. Spur-of-the-moment, remember?”

“And you couldn't keep it down?”

Rewind shuddered. “You should have seen it, Domey. It does _not_ look as good going _out_ as it does going _in._ ”

Chromedome had a hand on his forehead. “So the only thing that _passes_ as energon on this planet is inedible to you?”

“Guess so.”

Chromedome stared at the currency in his hand. He ran his fingers over the engraving, and very briefly realized that he could use it all on himself, and leave Rewind to starve. He hated himself for even having the thought.

“It's just _crude_ energon you're allergic to, right?” He said.

Rewind nodded. “What're you thinking?”

“If this stuff has the same properties as crude energon, then don't we just have to _distill_ it?” Chromedome looked at Rewind hopefully.

“Yeah. Already considered that. We've got no idea _how_ distill this stuff, or if it'd even work.”

Chromedome looked confused. “What? Wouldn't we just have to buy a burner or something? We could heat it up until it looked safe.”

Rewind narrowed his eyes. “There are so many things wrong with that. We have _no_ idea what it is. Or if I'll _still_ be allergic to it if it's distilled. Plus, the longer we distill it, the more of it we'll lose, so it'll take way more of it to feed me than it will to feed you. _And_ anything could happen when we heat it up. It could blow up in our faces. It could grow legs and try to eat us. It could—”

“Are you done?” Chromedome said.

“No, but I just realized you're going to waste our money on me anyways.”

Chromedome stood up, and took Rewind's hand in his. “Let's go buy a pot and a lighter, and all the low-grade we can get.”

Chromedome tried to step forwards, but Rewind stayed frozen. He was looking at their hands, one over the other. Chromedome's spark seized. _I've gone too far, I've made him uncomfortable, I've—_

“Hey, gimme that.” Rewind said, suddenly switching his attention to their cash. He let go of Chromedome's hand and carried what he'd earned in his arms. “I earned it, I should carry it.” He said.

Chromedome instantly relaxed. “Yeah.” He said. “How'd you earn that, anyways?”

Rewind looked away abashedly. “I filmed a...Social gathering.”

“A what?”

“On this planet they have a weird soul-bonding ceremony where everyone dresses up and throws a huge party to commenerate their love and—” He stopped to sigh and hide his embarrassment. “—And they wanted me to be their _photographer_.”

“That's adorable!” Chromedome said, trying not to laugh. Rewind had a witty comeback waiting for him. They went back and forth for hours.

They returned with all the crude energon they could carry, a pot, and a burner. They'd spend the night roasting energon over it like a campfire, and looking for constellations.

 

 

Rewind awoke to find Chromedome was still distilling energon. “You don't hafta do that, Domey.” He said. His words stumbled over each other like dominoes.

Chromedome looked over at him like a deer caught in headlights. “I. Um. I want to.” He said.

Rewind sat up and shuffled over to their burner. It was battery-powered and slow, but the 'energon' inside was already almost completely distilled, so Chromedome must have been cooking it for a while.

Rewind looked at the pot, then back at Chromedome, then back at the pot. “Domey.” He said. “Have you been here all night?”

Chromedome laughed awkwardly. “What? No, no I just got up. I must've left it running on accident.”

Rewind narrowed his eyes. “Domey. How much of this stuff do we have left.”

Chromedome produced a gallon of refined 'energon' from his side. They'd had three gallons the night before. “Plenty.” He said. “This is all—”

Rewind reached over and turned the burner off. “What are you _doing_?” He gestured to their remaining energon. “You'll _starve_ like this.”

Chromedome stared at the ground. “You won't.” He said, softly.

“But this is a waste! If you drink this, you'll—”

“I'm not going to drink it.” Chromedome said. “It's all for you.”

Rewind paused. “Ok, now I'm confused. You're starving yourself on _purpose_?”

Chromedome turned to look off the side of the rooftop. “I haven't been earning us anything, Domey. I can't inject on organics, so I'm no use here. If I go offline, you can live off this and it'll buy you enough time to—”

“Stop.” Rewind said, rubbing his eyes. “You don't need to do _any_ of this, ok? I can feed both of us. You don't need to worry about it.”

Chromedome looked up at him with bleary eyes. Starvation was already slowing him down. “But then we'll be stuck here forever. _You'll_ be stuck here forever. That won't help anyone.”

“And slowly killing yourself will?!”

Chromedome didn't know what to say.

“Why do you keep acting like I'm so much for important than you?”

“ _Everyone_ is more important than me.”

People started screaming in the streets. The wind picked up. Rewind couldn't remember what he'd meant to say. Clouds parted, and a reasonably large ship descended from the sky. It bore a very clear emblem.

Decepticons.

 

 


	7. 8 years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they stared out the window and counted new constellations.

They were hiding on the third floor of the abandoned building. Some natives were there with them, but they kept their distance. They watched the ship land—a fairly small scouting ship, but with plenty of fuel for long missions, and a full crew. 

“This isn't so bad.” Rewind said. “There aren't many of them.”

Blitzwing stepped out from the ship, with a few grunts following behind him. Chromedome winced. “We're screwed.”

“What? No way. There aren't that many of them.”

“That's a  _triple-changer_ .”

Rewind rolled his eyes. (A trick he'd learned from Chromedome.) “I know  _exactly_ who he is, Chromedome. Archivist, remember?”

“Then why are you so calm about this?” Chromedome said. He watched Blitzwing talk to his grunts and point at miscellaneous buildings. His spark quivered in his chest.

“Triple-changers are only sent to planets  _alone_ when Megatron wants to mill the inhabitants down. Do as much damage as possible and clear the way for the rest of the troops.”

“ _That didn't answer my question_ .”

“Domey, in a few minutes he's going to be tearing this city apart, and his grunts are going to be watching his back. Are you following?”

“Not really?!”

Rewind sighed. “They'll leave their  _ship_ unattended.”

Chromedome paused. He watched Blitzwing ready his guards. “We can't leave these people.” He said.

“We can't  _help_ them, either.”

“We have to  _try—_ ”

“Domey.” Rewind grabbed his hand. “If you try to stop them, you will  _die_ . I have centuries of footage to prove it.”

Chromedome listened to Rewind speak, but all he noticed was Rewind's hand was in his. “This is. You're.” He said.

Rewind laughed sweetly. “You only  _listen_ to me when I'm holding you.”

Chromedome dropped his hand and stood up. “How many children are in here?” He called out. “We can get you out of here!”

Someone's feet pattered down the stairs towards them. A native girl with big eyes approached them. “I can tell them to go with you.” She said. “But  _please_ , bring us back.”

“There won't be anything to go back to.” Rewind said. The native girl's eyes welled up. Chromedome jabbed him in the shoulder.

“Can you have them follow behind us?” Chromedome said. “We can't afford to keep track of them all.”

The girl nodded. “We'll follow where you lead.”

Chromedome watched Blitzwing mill down a neighborhood while his soldiers made a formation around him. He felt sick, watching people die because of  _him_ , because  _he'd_ done nothing to stop it.

“Domey?!” Rewind yelled, over the explosions. “We've got to go  _now_ !”

“We can't leave them, we can't...”

“What?!”

“I can't...”

Rewind grabbed both of Chromedome's hands. “Please don't do this  _now._ ”

Chromedome looked at where their fingers locked. He yanked his hands away. “You can't fix me with  _affection_ .” He said, angrier than he'd meant to.

Rewind's eyes narrowed. “Can you fix  _that_ _?_ ” Rewind said, pointing at the carnage unfolding. 

Chromedome didn't speak.

“You can't! You can't fix everything, Domey! But you can save  _them_ , okay?!” He gestured to the natives. They'd rounded themselves together, and were awaiting instruction. “I need you to come with me, ok?!” Rewind said. “I need you to keep it  _together_ for once in your life!”

Chromedome's spark was sore, and his head was foggy, but he rushed down the stairs and out of the building as though he were fine. The Decepticons were busy fighting off what little defense the planet had, and Blitzwing was at least a mile from his ship. They'd left it completely unattended, assuming the natives were too stupid to figure out how to unlock it. Rewind, however, had witnessed plenty of lockpicks in his lifetime, and copied them easily.

Chromedome watched Blitzwing tear a building apart. His spark clenched. His head was swelling with everything he hated about himself.

“Domey?! I'm too small to work the controls!” Rewind called. Chromedome turned around. All the natives were on board. He sat at the front of the ship.

“Can't we save anyone else?”

"Domey."

 

Chromedome got them off-planet as quickly as he could, though he had Rewind over his shoulder the entire time, telling him how to fly step-by-step. He did as Rewind told him to autonomously. He felt nothing.

 

 

Chromedome turned on the ship's autopilot and rubbed his head. He turned to see Rewind sitting in the co-pilot's seat, in front of cartoonishly oversized controls. He was staring off into the void of space.

“You what those stars over there look like?” He pointed to a cluster on their right. “Like Prowl when he's angry.”

Chromedome shook his head. “Too calm. He throws tables when he's angry.”

Rewind turned to face him. “You've seen _Prowl_ angry?”

“I used to work with him.”

“ _Prowl_? _The_ Prowl?”

“Yeah.”

Rewind slouched back into his seat. “And here I thought I was the one who knew everything.”

“He's a lot more intense than you'd expect, actually.” Chromedome said, sighing. “I wonder if he misses me.”

“You were that close?”

“Yeah. When the war started, he was interested in the autobots, but I thought I'd be more helpful as a mnemosurgeon, and then...Well. You know.”

“Yeah.” Rewind leaned over the back of his chair to watch their passengers snore. “So should we keep ignoring the elephant in the room, or...?”

Chromedome stared at the stars, searching desperately for new constellations. “I've been trying to.” He said.

Rewind nodded slowly. “Sorry I lost my head back there.” Chromedome turned his head to look at him. “Sometimes I just—I just _split_ , and suddenly I'm so _angry_ I can't help myself. I've gotten pretty good at controlling it, but...”

Chromedome sighed. “I know you're not heartless, Rewind. You're just odd sometimes. And loud. And embarrassing. And you film everything all the time.”

“There's supposed to be a _but_ in there.”

“But I'm glad I met you.”

There was a pause. Chromedome was sure that Rewind was blushing under his faceplate (or would be, if he could) but he didn't say anything about it. As soon as Rewind realized Chromedome had noticed it, he fell back into his casual demeanor, as if nothing had happened.

“That's really sweet, Domey.” He said. “I'm glad I met you too. I'd still be searching morgues if it weren't for you.”

Chromedome stiffened. “Are you going to keep searching for him?”

Rewind gave him a look.

“Heh. Right.”

Rewind punched him in the arm playfully. “The search is just getting started, buddy. We've got a sick new ship to take us across the galaxy, and a million planets we haven't checked yet.”

Chromedome pointed behind him. “ _After_ we drop them off somewhere safe. Somewhere they can make lives for themselves. The one who speaks Cybertronian was telling me that they're all uneducated, so they don't have many options.”

Rewind nodded. “We'll do good, Domey. We always do.”

Chromedome sighed softly. “Do we?”

Rewind patted his shoulder. “Yeah. Yeah we do.”

They stared out the window and counted new constellations, and all the times Prowl had flipped tables in his rage.

 

 


	8. 9 years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's killing you.

Optimus welcomed them aboard graciously. When Chromedome had finished thanking him for the 20th time, Beachcomber showed them to their room. Rewind was quite happy to note that this time, he had his own bed.

As it turned out, Prowl was on board, and Chromedome went to greet him awkwardly. At first sight of Chromedome, Prowl's face had lit up, but he'd quickly softened it with grunts and dismissal. He was somewhat famous among the autobots, and he wanted Chromedome to know it. Chromedome only knew that he was _excellent_ at holding a grudge.

Rewind made friends with half the ship on his first day, as per usual. People flocked to him, because he understood them, he knew exactly what they wanted after watching them for millions of years. He fed off of the attention, too. Being alone was like pins and needles to him—so he never was.

(They reserved the right to use their decepticon scouting ship, too, allotting them breaks off-planet whenever they felt like it—or whenever Rewind needed to _search_.)

They lived quietly, taking whatever work was given to them—until Prowl snuck into their room one night, whispering Chromedome's name.

“They need you.” He said. “Someone's died. They think there's a traitor on board. They need a mnemosurgeon.”

Chromedome sat up slowly. “I haven't worked on a corpse in a while.”

“Can you do it?”

“Of course I can. I just might be slow.”

“That's fine. Follow me.”

Chromedome walked past Rewind on his way out. He considered waking him up, but there was really no need to.

He followed Prowl through the winding halls until they came across an energon storage room. Prowl took his time opening the door, slowly revealing the body, and Ratchet bent over it. Its face was contorted in pain, and Chromedome flinched. _The worse the death, the more painful the memories._

“Took you long enough.” Ratchet said. He stood up from where he'd been examining the corpse. “It's all yours.”

Chromedome crouched behind the body. There were claw marks where the victim's spark had been torn out of his chest. He had to wait for his hands to stop quivering before he could inject—then it unfolded.

Searching a corpse wasn't hard—the final memories were usually frozen in place, at the surface of the mind. He watched the victim walk into the energon storage as though he'd done it himself. He saw himself turn around, and watched a feline mech rip into him, tearing out his spark, so quickly Chromedome could've missed if he blinked.

He tried not to scream, but found he couldn't help himself. His spark clenched as he remembered having it torn out, the very essence of himself being ripped out from under him. He pulled out.

“Well?” Prowl said, unfazed.

“R-Ravage.” Chromedome said. “Ravage is on board.”

Prowl stormed out of the room without another word, and Ratchet only paused for a moment before following after him. Chromedome sat in front of the corpse, shaking.

He walked straight into Rewind on his way back to their room. “ _There_ you are!” He said. “I heard a scream, and you weren't in your bed, and I...” He jabbed Chromedome in his arm. “ _Don't_ scare me like that again!”

Chromedome nodded. He felt sick. “Sorry.”

“It's...Fine...” Rewind paused. “Uh, Domey? You don't look so good.”

Chromedome tried to stand straight. “I'm fine.” He said. “I just...I just need to sit down for a second.” He slid to the floor.

“Domey? What's wrong? What happened?!”

“Injecting...”

“I...I knew that wasn't _good_ for you, but...” Rewind didn't know what to do with his hands, hovering them over Chromedome's body.

“It's...It's no big deal, ok? I'm fine, I really am.”

“You're lying.”

“What?”

“You always look sad when you lie.”

Chromedome sighed. “Injecting is all I have to give, Rewind.” He shrugged. “Some things are bigger than me.”

“Don't even joke about that.” Rewind spoke completely monotone. “Don't even _insinuate_ that you should ever sacrifice yourself.”

 _I'm not good for much else_.

“I'm sorry.” Chromedome said. “I...I've come to terms with this. I've always known it would happen eventually, that I'd die early, but...” _I didn't think anyone would care._

“Don't.” Rewind said. “Don't you _dare_ die before me.” He jabbed his pointer finger into Chromedome's chest.

“Sure.” Chromedome said. “Can you help me up?”

Rewind pulled against him, and though it did next to nothing, Chromedome steadied himself. “It looks worse than it is, Rewind. I promise.” He said.

Rewind sighed. “I told you, you don't have to lie.”

 

 

Rewind followed Chromedome into battle without a second thought. He stood his distance, but he couldn't help following after shadows and outlines, anything that reminded him of Dominus.

This wasn't anything new for them—Rewind had always followed Chromedome on autobot missions, though only because no one could stop him. That day he found himself glancing over at Chromedome more than usual, nervously checking in on him.

He peeked out from under his cover. Chromedome was injecting, with Prowl covering him. Chromedome winced as the needles sunk in. Prowl kept looking at him, somewhat too excitedly. Rewind felt a pang of jealously before he went back to scanning the crowd. He counted the faces as he did—Dirge, Ratbat, and so on. They were low-level, but well-trained, and put up a—

There was a deafening blast. Chromedome sank to the ground in front of him, clutching his side. Energon dripped from under his face plate. He was conscious, but barely. He'd taken a bullet for Rewind. Prowl had already moved on to the next enemy, forgetting them completely.

“Domey?!” Rewind said, holding Chromedome's face in his hands.

“A-Are you alright?” Chromedome said.

“What? Of course I am! Domey, can you stand?”

Chromedome tried to stand, and fell over. Rewind called Ratchet on his comm.

“Get in line.” Ratchet said. “I've got a hundred bots who're saying the exact same thing. Get to cover and wait.”

Rewind dragged Chromedome by his arm. Chromedome tried to crawl, but it aggravated his wounds. They found a light cover behind a torn-up building, and left a trail of energon in the process.

“Domey.” Rewind said, nervously checking the wound. “Domey? Can you talk? The medics will be here as soon as they can.”

Chromedome stared forwards. “I'm sorry.” He said.

“What? Why?”

He stared into the crowd. “I'm distracting you.”

“From what?!”

“From _searching_.”

Rewind turned around and looked the crowd over one more time. Dominus was still nowhere to be seen. He turned and faced Chromedome, and felt a sickness in his spark that he had not felt since he last saw Dominus.

“Don't scare me like this.” Rewind said.

Chromedome laughed softly. “Don't get shot at.”

Rewind glared at the scene behind them, and positioned himself in front of Chromedome. “They're not stopping. This is going to get nasty.”

“You should go.”

Rewind chuckled. “What, and leave you after you _literally_ took a bullet for me? I'm not _that_ selfish.”

Chromedome wrapped his hand around Rewind's shoulder. “I took that bullet for a _reason_ , and it'll be for nothing if you get _hurt_.”

Rewind sighed. “You are the most stubborn and frustrating bot I've ever met, you know that?”

Chromedome looked up at him sadly. “Really?”

Rewind held his hand. “Yeah. The _worst_.”

Chromedome caught the joke and his eyes glittered like gems in his face. Rewind laughed for no reason. Decepticons ran past them, but no one dared shoot, for they didn't want the separation of lovers on their conscience.

 

 

Chromedome stood in their doorway with a still-healing wound, tapping his fingers. “I can't just tell _Optimus Prime_ I refuse to inject for him.” He said.

Rewind huffed from his bed. “You want _me_ to tell him, then?”

“What? No— _please_ don't tell Optimus _anything_.”

“What am I supposed to do? It's _killing_ you.”

“Slowly!”

“ _Killing_. _You_.”

“Who knows how long that will take?”

“Who knows how long the war will last?”

“This is bigger than me.”

“Domey, you deserve—” He paused. “Something's wrong.”

Chromedome watched Rewind walk out of their room and head towards the main control room, slowly following after him. “What? What is it?”

“Injecting must _really_ be getting to you. Didn't you hear that?”

Chromedome shivered slightly. He hadn't heard anything.

_The others are more important than me. Everything is more important than me._

“Domey?” Rewind said. “The door's locked.”

Chromedome looked over at him. Rewind couldn't open the door to the ship's control room. Not good.

“We should go back to our room.” Chromedome said. “They're probably busy with some turbulence.”

“In _space_?”

“An asteroid belt?”

“Domey. I have charts of the known universe memorized.” He tapped his camera. “We are nowhere _near_ anything like that.”

An alarm went off. People flooded from their rooms in droves. Violet lights flashed from the ceiling, painting everyone purple. In accordance to autobot code, it meant that Decepticons had boarded the ship.

 

 


	9. 12 years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he remembered the last time he'd seen his face, and promised himself he'd see it again.

Chromedome and Rewind clutched each other without a second thought. “Get back to our room and _stay there_.” Chromedome said. “Don't go anywhere, ok?”

“What?! You seriously want to _separate_ at a time like this?!”

“I want you to be safe!”

“I can take care of myself.” Bots rushing by bumped into Rewind as he spoke. “We can get out of here together.”

“I can't.” Chromedome whispered.

“What?!”

“I can't go. They might need a mnemosurgeon.”

Rewind clenched his fists. “Ok, now I'm leaving because you are _insufferable._ I'm going to get our ship ready. Come find me when you're done injecting with your conjux.”

“Rewind, he's not my—“ Chromedome sighed. “Nevermind. _Go._ ”

Rewind shoved Chromedome as he walked by. Some iteration of ' _I'm trying to protect you, jerk'_   was whispered.

Chromedome followed the line of autobots towards the docking bay. Autobots and decepticons were at each other's throats, though this was certainly more _chaotic_ than usual.

“Chromedome!” Prowl called. He had a Decepticon at his throat. Chromedome pulled the bot off and gave Prowl an opportunity to blow his brains out. “Thank god you're here. We're going to try to kidnap one of the higher-ups.” He paused to deflect a stray bullet with his forearm. “I need you to inject them. Figure out why— _how_ they're here.”

Chromedome shook his head. “I don't have that long. Rewind's waiting for me.”

Prowl scowled. “The mini-bot? Are you seriously leaving just for _him_?”

“It's not—It's not like that, Prowl. I can't leave him.”

“You have to.”

Chromedome remembered Rewind's face, the familiar glow of his optics. He remembered being consoled on the streets of Cybertron, and in cramped closets. Rooftops—and so many stars. His spark ached, for he realized what he'd done, and he pitied himself, for love truly was an awful, awful thing.

“I won't do _anything_ for you.” He said. “I'm not _yours_ , ok?! I'm not anyone's. I never was.” He turned his back to the fight. “I'm sorry, Prowl, I—”

Then something hit the back of his head, and the scene faded to black.

 

 

Rewind had waited inside their ship obediently. For over an hour. When all other escape pods had left the ship, he left to search for Chromedome. _I shouldn't have left him._ He thought. _Now he could be hurt or worse, and it could've happened without me being there._

In his hurry, he walked down a hallway and walked face-first into a pair of decepticons. “Uh.” He said. “I'm an undercover agent?”

He slid between their legs and turned a corner as quickly as he could. They trotted behind him, but they were bearing heavy loads with their weapons equipped. He ducked into a closet—too small for most bots, but just big enough for him.

The decepticons ran past.He peeked outside and made a mad dash for their room. His spark quivered at the thought of seeing Chromedome again. He opened the door. Nothing.

Someone was coming down the hall. He shut the door and locked it behind himself. “Great.” He whispered. “Now I've got _two_ people to look for.” His hands balled up into fists. “Two people I've _lost_.”

He sat at the foot of the door and ached. Chromedome's bed was only a few feet away. Rewind studied it, and noticed something sticking out from the hinge where it connected to the wall.

He carefully approached it, and found it was a small piece of paper, carefully folded together. Rewind opened it delicately.

It was a picture of him, taken while he was sleeping. It was cheap film, most likely taken with a disposable camera, but the shot was perfect. The paper was worn, so he could only guess how long Chromedome had kept it. His spark swelled.

Then he found a sinking feeling, crawling down his spine. He remembered what Chromedome had said about conjux endura, and felt like an idiot.

Rewind bolted out of his room and towards the battlefield. He ran between decepticons and autobots alike on his way, too small to be noticeable. He reached the docking bay and found himself trying not to walk over any of the corpses. The decepticons appeared to be retreating. Optimus Prime stood at the forefront, with Bumblebee close behind. Rewind spotted Prowl towards the back.

He wove between fighters, refusing to fall when they clashed into him or caught him with a stray blast. He grabbed Prowl by the arm.

“Where is Chromedome?!”

Prowl finished off an enemy. “What?”

“ _Where is Chromedome?!_ ”

Prowl grimaced. “I wish I knew, ok?! I've been looking for him for hours!”

“Is he hurt?!”

“No—I don't think so! I saw someone take him—”

“He's a _prisoner?!_ ”

“Maybe! I don't know! I can't cut my way through this crowd, ok?!” Ironhide called for Prowl's support. “I can't stay here, ok?! Not all of us get to be _archivists._ ” He fled into battle without giving Rewind a second thought.

The decepticon warship had its deck wide open. Someone could have easily snuck aboard, if they were willing to take on a suicide mission. Rewind remembered the last time he'd seen Dom's face, and promised himself he'd see it again.

He wove through the chaos by the skin of his teeth and with dents in his back. He stared up into the warship's entrance.

He clutched the photo of himself in his fist, and jumped on board without a second thought.

 


	10. 12 years, 1 week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love was an awful, awful thing.

Chromedome sat in a cell with a couple dozen other bots and tapped at the bars. His needles were at his fingertips, but the cell didn't use a conventional lock, so they were useless. They did, however, manage to make him look slightly menacing to the glaring decepticons he shared a cell with.

He'd decided that Rewind was not coming for him. He hated himself for being so stubborn and frustrating. While he told himself that this was good, that it meant Rewind would find Dominus more quickly, that they'd spend the rest of their lives together—he secretly hoped that his friend would come.

 _Idiot._ He thought. _I'm an idiot. He doesn't care about me. He never has. How could anyone care about a mnemosurgeon?_

“No.” Chromedome whispered. “Don't—I can't go there. I can't go back there.” Mumbling to himself garnered attention. “I'm fine.”

_I'm pathetic, though. Pathetic and evil. Evil evil evil._

“Evil...”

 _He deserves better than me._ Everyone _deserves better than me. I've only ever hurt people. I've only ever done terrible things. I don't deserve anything. I deserve to d—_

“What is _he_ doing here?” Someone said. There was a few sighs when he spoke up. Chromedome looked up and meet eyes with Dirge. “Autobots with our fellow Decepticons? _Disgusting_.”

Chromedome turned away from him. He refused to shut up. “Megatron allows _this_ among his best soldiers?”

Someone else spoke up. “Can it. We're all in the same boat here.”

“We don't have to be. We could break out of here if we really tried to.”

There was a low mumble throughout the cell. Chromedome cowered. This did not bode well for him.

“Why _rot_ here for no reason other than our own desire to _dare?_ ” Dirge said. “Is that not decepticon principle—to _break_ whatever rules are put into place?”

He wasn't very social, but he spoke his mind, and people seemed to listen. “We wait here with an _autobot!_ Our _inferior!_ ” Heads turned. “How _twisted_ must our cause become that we shall leave our _brethren_ with our _enemies_?”

Dirge approached him. “ _This_ is an outrage.” He said, gesturing at Chromedome. “An _insult_ to the decepticon cause.”

He aimed his blaster. “ _I_ say we show them which side they're on.” Chromedome could hear it charging as it was jammed into the side of his head. He thought of Rewind and Dominus, together and _happy_ , and was glad that at least they would be ok.

“Don't you _dare_ hurt him.” Rewind said. He stood at the door to the cell, worse for wear, but with a keycard in his right hand. “Or I'll leave you here to die.”

Chromedome hated how elated he was. “Are you ok?!” He said. “H-How did you get in here?”

Rewind laced his fingers around the cell bars. “I'm sorry it took me so long. I've been undercover for a few days.”

Chromedome thought it'd been two weeks, at least. “It's ok.” He said. “I just—I can't believe you're here. What if something had happened to you? What about Dom?”

Rewind's eyes lit up. “Who else would've helped me find him?” He turned to face Dirge. “Half this crew is dead, and the other half is weak from infighting. I know you're going to want to take them out, and I'm sure you will, but I have conditions.”

“What are they?”

“Let me and Domey off safely. And _don't_ go in the 5th fuselage.”

“Why not?”

“That's where all the energon is—Domey and I are taking it _all_ for ourselves.”

Dirge smirked. “You have my word.”

Rewind nodded, and pulled out a blaster. “No one touches him.” He said, unlocking the door. Chromedome stumbled out. Rewind took his hand protectively. The Decepticons filed out. They scattered in a million different directions.

“We have to get out of here. _Now_.” Chromedome said. “We—They—I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you just made a deal with _Dirge._ We're dead meat. We're—”

Rewind clutched his hand harder. “ _Domey._ ” He said. “Just trust me, ok? Everything's going to work out ok.” He led Chromedome down the hall. “Follow me.”

Rewind walked through the halls as if he'd done it a million times before, and Chromedome supposed he had. They reached a heavy door, and Rewind's keycard opened it easily.

“You are going to _love_ me when you see this.” He said.

Inside there was an array of monitors, each of them surveying a different room on the ship. Rewind hopped into a seat in front of them, and Chromedome stood by his side anxiously. They watched the decepticons tear each other apart in a bloodbath. Rewind had been right—the prisoners were in a better state of mind than the infighting crew, and they had better numbers. Dirge rallied them together and took out the crew quickly.

The monitors had no audio, but it became obvious that Dirge was leading them all to fuselage 5. “Perfect.” Rewind said. He pointed to a monitor of an old storage room, and handed Chromedome a radio. “Tell me _exactly_ when all of them are in there. Not a second later.”

“Uh. Ok?”

“Trust me Domey. It'll all work out.”

“...Ok.”

Rewind darted out of the room. Chromedome clutched the radio anxiously. He watched the decepticons file into the room, Dirge at the forefront. When the last of them filed inside, he leaned into the radio and spoke.

“ _Now._ ” He said.

He watched the hangar door slam abruptly. The decepticons ran around aimlessly and a red alarm flashed. The hangar shook, and the camera went dark. Rewind stood at the door.

“Aw, did I miss their reaction?!” He said. “How was it, Domey?”

Chromedome looked at him in awe. “Did you just _blow them up_?!”

Rewind laughed. “What? Of course not! I just detatched them from the ship.”

Chromedome looked at the screen, and then at Rewind, then back at the screen, then at Rewind again. “Ok, I'm lost.”

“As soon as I got here, I convinced the mutiny crew I was one of them. Decepticons are _dumb_.”

“Ok...”

“ _And_ I realized that since Dirge had been mutinied, he probably had a bone to pick with everyone on board.”

“ _Ok..._ ”

“ _And_ that Dirge would do the _opposite_ of whatever anyone told him to do.”

“...So?”

“So I told him _not_ to hide in a detachable room full of hull cleaner, and he did.”

“A detachable room. Why did they even have that?”

Rewind pulled up a schematic on one of the screens. “Actually, in Megatron's third book, he explains—”

Chromedome raised his hand. “Nevermind.” He paused, and stared at Rewind fondly. “You're kinda sorta a _genius_ , you know that?”

“What?”

“You're a _genius_.”

“Come again?”

Chromedome laughed. “Don't make me say it again.”

“With your track record? I doubt you ever will.”

Chromedome giggled, then faltered. “Wait.” He said. “How did you know I would be in the cell? How'd you know I wasn't dead?”

Rewind paused. “I. Uh.” He stared at his feet. “I didn't.”

“What?”

Rewind shrugged. “I was just hoping, I guess. I didn't want to consider you being...You know. You and me apart strikes me as...incredibly _wrong_.”

Chromedome did not think his face could have gotten any hotter. “Oh. Um. Me too.”

Rewind's eyes glimmered. “You should rest—but meet me up on the rooftop later, ok?”

“Sure thing, but why?”

“I want to go stargazing.”

 

 

_Later._

“Hey. So. I kinda promised myself that if I ever saw you again, I'd be honest with you.” Rewind said. The big dipper was shining in his eyes.

“You haven't been before?”

Rewind shrugged. “Not completely.” He said, sighing. “Remember what you said about conjux endura?”

Chromedome was shaking slightly. “Y-Y-Yes?” He said.

“Um. Well. I was wondering if. Uh.”

“ _Rewind._ ”

“Don't pressure me!”

“ _Rewind the suspense is killing me._ ”

“Ok. Let me put this into better words. I never considered losing you to be an option before it _was_. And I don't want to lose you. And. And.” Rewind composed himself, and tried not to look at Chromedome, lest his spark shatter. “Iwanttobeyourconjux.”

“I—yes.” Chromedome said, a little too quickly. “I mean. I like you. Romantically. We should—Yes. We should do that.”

Rewind laughed. “You sound so shocked.”

“I thought—You love Dom more than me, and you have your list and...”

Rewind sighed. “Oh, Domey. Don't you realize your pecking order has changed?”

“W-What?”

“You're giving Dom a run for his money.” He locked eyes with Chromedome and chuckled.

Chromedome was trying desperately not to squirm. “Wow. I. Uh.”

“...Do you feel the same, or...?”

Chromedome softened. “ _Absolutely_.” He said.

“Good. This—This is good.”

They quietly stared up at the stars. Their hands brushed together, and when their fingers intertwined, it was awkward, but lovely all the same. They'd sneak glances at each other until one of them was caught—then they'd laugh, and it would sound just like late nights, like battle cries and after-dark whispers. They did not say I love you, but they did not have to, because love was an awful, awful thing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch titles are meant to be how long they've known each other at the start of that chapter / how much time progressed since the last chapter or over the course of the last chapter  
> i might continue this one day??? probably not though idk  
> thx for reading!!!


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